A Recipe From Your Intern and Editors

1 cup Semolina flour

An onion

3 chicken legs

1-2 chicken pussies (depending on size)

3 sprigs of thyme

A pinch of pink salt

Artificial coloring

A pinch of blue salt

Seasonal veggies (meaning carrots)

A bag of cold grapes

Expired Sudafed

1 oz. Cherry tomatoes

The cheapest olive oil known to man, preferably from the Northern Territories


Start with the wrong kind of flour. Reach into the chicken cavity and feel around. If the chicken starts to swell it’s not dead yet. FaceTime your father for help (with your clean hand). He’s good with this stuff. Your father will show you the next step on your mother, don’t be scared, they’ve been cooking their whole lives. Now that the chicken is dead, prepare the cold grapes. Put the grapes in a medium size bowl and begin removing their skins. (Remember They Did Surgery On A Grape?) It’s Halloween and people are on their way to put on blindfolds and feel the grapes. Replace the grapes with the cherry tomatoes. See who can tell the difference. When they remove their blindfolds, ask the shiest guest why they killed someone. They seem like a good kisser, right? Rub some of the artificial coloring on your lips and pucker up. Try to feed them the expired Sudafed, you can put the pink or blue salt on the expired Sudafed depending on the gender presentation of your Shy Guest. If the Shy Guest actually has a cold the expired Sudafed should give them a rare case of ADHD. Make them chop the onion. Tell Shy Guest to make a mean jerk sauce. Whisk until stiff peaks. Did you forget about the carrots? Tell your dead chicken to “spread ‘em,” and stuff the seasonal delights in there, Christmas Eve style (Holiday style). Transfer to a baking tray and cook the chicken at 250 degrees for twelve minutes. Shy Guest should be napping during this refractory period. Pour the cheapest olive oil known to man into a sauce dish and add the sprigs of thyme, allowing the herbs to release flavor during Shy Guest’s much needed Zzz’s. Drizzle oil on the finished chicken and tell Shy Guest to wake the fuck up. Rango star Johnny Depp in the news? Jack Harlow’s KFC meal? Kourtney K’s pasta portions? What are you talking about? It’s 200 AD, RECLINER ISSUE 3 is ready.